"Some people call me John, some people call me JB—
You can call me whatever you want, as long as you call me."
Originally from "Chicago," John is a self-proclaimed multi-hyphenate who relocated to Los Angeles to immerse himself in the entertainment industry—what a novel concept. An aspiring TV writer, John currently works at a literary management company after having worked for several years in scripted development, documentaries, and podcasts. He attended Syracuse University where he studied television, radio, & film and sang in “Oy Cappella,” though he is not Jewish.John is most pleased with himself when he is creating, whether that be composing a one-act musical that takes place entirely on a toilet; writing poetry stylistically (but not thematically) inspired by Shel Silverstein; spraying paint onto builder's paper (because canvas is expensive); outlining yet another screenplay; or designing a murder mystery, just to entertain his friends for an hour or two. He also writes and performs non-comedic music under the alias Your Friend, JB, because at the end of the day he still desperately wants to be taken seriously.
AN UNPLEASANT SURPRISEOh me, oh my!
I zipped down my fly
I took out my rump
and prepared for a dump
Oh my, oh me!
I sat in some pee
I can't help but feel just a little bit glum
When essentially, a stranger just pissed on my bum
BOTTOMLESS MIMOSASBottomless mimosas, o how I love thee so
Whilst my drink diminishes, my thirst proceeds to grow
Waiter, o sweet waiter, come hither, straightaway
Thy golden nectar makes me feel like a child on Christmas day
Though my wallet feels much lighter, I've never felt the richer
Now come on back m'lady; where art thou with the pitcher?
Derrièrs are beautiful things, so flaunt 'em if you got 'em
But as for you mimosas: Thou art perfect with no bottom
BUYER'S REMORSEI bought a pair of stretchy pants to get in on the trend
They’re oh-so-very soft and nicely highlight my rear end
They cost a pretty penny but I was happy to indulge
Until I showed them to my mother and she pointed out my bulge.
FAKE IT 'TIL YOU MAKE ITFramed my posters
Found some coasters
Bought a couch
(It's faux leather)
Got cheap glassware
Candles f—king everywhere
Making it appear as though
I've got my shit together
GIVE AND TAKEMy girlfriend told me I take and I take
And I never care to giveWhereas before I was taken, now I'm single
And finally, I give a shit
IF YOU THINK I AM HIGH (YOU'RE RIGHT)If you think I am high, you're right
This ganja is hella tight
I picked up a dutch
and I gave it a touch
Buildin' blunts like I'm Frank Lloyd WrightIf you think I am stoned, spot on
Out here cheesin' like parmesan
I'm murdering bowls
as I eat pizza rolls
Conqu'ring blunts like I'm Genghis KhanIf you think I am baked, good guess
I'm addicted to weed, I confess
With these papers I'm gifted
They help me get lifted
Touch the sky like I'm Kanye WestIf you think I am faded, right-o!
Got an ounce and a half-a-gram mo'
Feelin' some type of way
I elect for a jay
Founding joints like I'm James Monroe
LENTI tried to give up chocolate but
I'm a raging chocoholic
I couldn't give up shopping 'cause
I can't put down my wallet
It seems my self improvement days
have simply all been spent
So instead of giving something up
I'm just giving up for Lent
MY PLANT CHIPI bought a new ficus
And named him Chip
He was my joy and my prideGave Chip a goodbye kiss
And went on a trip
And Chip? Well he fucking died.
MY SICK BLADESThe wind in my hair
The world at my back
You’ve never seen someone so quickThe neon blue plastic
and black Velcro straps
These rollerblades are hella sickWhen I’ve got my blades on
I look like the bomb
So speedy, all gas and no brakeRoll up to the party
And up walks my mom
She says “Really? It’s your grandfather’s wake.”
SPANKINGIn my research on parents
I've found there are two schools of thought:
Spanking children is fine—
Or it's most definitely notWhether you're pro-spanking or anti
You can tell me, although,
If you like to be spanked
I really don't need to know.
SPLITTING THE UBERIt's time to split the Uber! Who's going to split with me?
I called the ride but don’t rely on my generosityWhat's that Brianna? Your phone is dead? I guess Brianna's out
That's okay, we'll split four ways, it's not that long a routeYou don't have Uber Brian? What is this, 2003?
Download that shit for next time so you can split the ride with meDave! Hey Dave! Wake up Dave! Accept the fucking split!
I guess I can't rely on Dave, 'cause Dave is drunk as shitYou didn't get the request, Kate? Let me see your fucking phone!
This is fucking bullshit. I guess I'll split alone.
TEQUILAA pinch of salt
A slice of lime
A golden splash
A flash of timeA wincing face
A lingering bite
It’s going to be
A blackout night
THE FORMER RESIDENTI often wonder
about the man
who rented this place before meDid he hear the same sounds?
Did he smell the same smells?
Did he see the same things that I see?I like to think
he’s living large
and moved to some place more upscaleBut I certainly hope
he doesn’t need his tax forms
because I throw away all of his mail.
THE HYPOCRITEI know a guy—a self-proclaimed genius
Who refuses to get the vaccine
Because his “body is a temple”
And a “well-oiled machine”Not to be rude, but this argument of his
Falls a bit flat to me when
I know this guy has used the same loofah
Since spring, 2010
THE MIXTAPEA man approached me on the street
His stench followed closely after
He was covered in rags from his head to his feet
But he claimed he was a rapperHe said he had a gift for me
And slid his hand in his pocket
He presented me with a shiny CD
Told me careful not to drop itI told him thanks and went on my way
But he was short and swift
He chased me down and demanded I pay
So much for being a giftI threw him a fiver and then I split
Thinking he's a cheat and a liar
I got in my car, and holy shit
That mixtape—it was fire!
TSAI don't mind
losing the shoes,
undoing the belt,
getting viewed in the nude.
But what I can't stand about the TSA
Is that they treat me like a terrorist during foreplay
VENMOI Venmoed my best friend, Steve:
“Thanks for the hand job, bro”
I Venmoed my sister, Lauren:
“Here's for the ounce of blow!”I Venmoed my cousin:
“Rim jobs for days”
And my girlfriend:
“Thanks for the nudes”I Venmoed my dad:
“Bottle of lube”
But to my dealer:
“New pair of shoes”
WHO FARTED AT THE ORGY?Who farted at the orgy? It's on everybody's mind
While we were all full frontal someone left a stink behind
Who farted at the orgy? We have the right to know
Someone dropped a booty bomb while we were playing suck and blow
There's involuntary abstinence while we should be gang-banging
But this sudden burst of flatulence has left us limply hanging
Who farted at the orgy? The truth will set you free!
I said who farted at the orgy? (I hope they don't suspect it's me)
ZOOM WORKOUTI joined an online workout class
And in order to avoid detection
I simply turned my camera off
And blamed it on my connectionThe workout looked quite painful
And sounded something awful
But the shame I felt was even worse
As I silently ate a waffle
Spray paint on brown builder's paper.
For more originals and covers, check out my YouTube channel.